You Know You’re A Bush Republican When...
1. You take the Constitution personally and lay
awake at night wondering how to wean conservative voters from their love
affair with it.
2. You think election laws that allow right-wingers to run against
moderate Republicans in primaries are an affront to political reality.
3. You think the Partial-Birth Abortion Ban is the greatest thing
since Roe v. Wade because it will allow you to campaign as a pro-lifer
without having to do anything pro-life.
4. You just hate how the right-wing of the Republican Party has made
reality so grandiose.
5. Now that you’ve won reelection, you’re planning on writing a book
to expose the intrinsic perils of straightforwardness.
6. You roll out phrases like “Rule of Law” and “Uh, oh, bureaucracy!”
whenever anyone suggests that you do something about abortion.
7. You really appreciate how Bill and Hillary made it possible for you
to follow their policies as long as you call yourself a Christian and stay
away from the interns.
8. Your only fear is that conservatives and Christians in America will
overcome their fear of having their applecart of liberty, peace, and
prosperity overturned and vote their conscience instead of their
9. You’re so grateful for how easy Democrats make it for you to get
that all too vital “lesser of two evils” vote.
10. Now that you’ve won election/reelection you plan to help set up a
Department for the Creative Refusal to Recognize Ethical Reality.
11. You can’t get over that gnawing suspicion that there’s something
organically wrong with the right-wing of the Republican Party.
12. Deep in your heart you think the Bill of Rights was an unfortunate
attempt at reasoning.
13. You wish the pro-life movement would get its finger off the
trigger and learn how politics is done it the 21st century.
14. You marvel at how easily the word “paranoia” keeps the Saudi
oil-Bush family link off the discussion table.
15. You know you can’t fool all the people all the time, so you really
appreciate the phrase, “America’s not ready to end abortion.”
16. You’ve written a song entitled, “Yo, That Funky GOP!” for the
theme song of your party.
17. You still can’t believe how many folks bought the concept,
“Morality is simply a Republican in power.”
18. You think the Gay Marriage issue is a Godsend because everyone
just forgot about your pro-abortion, tax-hiking, and affirmative action
voting record. (And you’re REALLY glad the election is over so you can
pretty much drop that too.)
19. You’re beginning to really dislike reality because it seems to be
doing nothing lately but cramp your style.
20. In your darker moments you wonder if perhaps it didn’t all
originate at Bob Jones University.
21. You can’t remember the last time you asked a judicial nominee what
she or he thought of affirmative action.
22. All you want for Christmas is a really effective way to open up
the Party to the Big Tent.
December 22, 2004
Micheal Frank was raised a liberal and was a
Baha’i before becoming a Christian. He changed from a liberal to a
conservative while working in a state hospital for the criminally insane
in Ohio. He now lives in north central Massachusetts and works as a
counselor in a group home. He may be reached for comment
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