GOP, 2012: The Infinite Tent Republicans
With the campaign season coming into the home stretch, Republican presidential nominee Jeb Bush of Florida today welcomed the endorsement of the GOP’s latest activist group, the Log Playpen Republicans (LPR). When asked if he thought his acceptance of the pro-pedastry group’s support would cost him the support of conservatives in the party, Bush responded, “We welcome the support of all Americans, regardless of their chosen lifestyle.”
At a press conference at the group’s Washington D. C. headquarters, The Log Playpen Republican’s Chairman Terry Sodomer (sporting a button reading “Proud Pachyderm Pedophile”), stated, “Just because we like to rape and molest little kids, er...umm… I mean… that is, have consensual, mutually and psychologically beneficial intimate inter-generational relationships with pre-adults, doesn’t mean that we’re bad people or that we can’t be good Republicans. Or Democrats, for that matter; as if there’s a difference. All we’re asking for is a little tolerance and equality. Besides, every one knows that it’s in the Constitution. Or at least it should be.”
Also today, taking issue with a reporter’s insinuation that the Republican and Democratic parties were becoming virtually indistinguishable in terms of social and economic policy, incumbent President Clinton stated “While it’s true that the Republicans have become significantly more progressive since my husband, Bill, was president, they still have a ways to go to catch up to us. For example, our campaign is flying out to San Francisco tomorrow to help launch the new ‘Cannibals for Hillary’ group. I mean, do the Republicans have anyone from the Human Protein Recycling Movement supporting them? Of course they don’t. Also, the word ‘Republican’ has ten letters, whereas the word ‘Democrat’ has only eight. Alphabetically and numerically speaking, that’s a huge difference between the two parties. Really, it is.”
President of the National Association of Evangelicals, Rev. Alfonse Gellyspine said, “Oh, you know us Evangelicals. We’ll probably just vote for whomever the Republicans tell us to vote. Heaven forbid that we should ever apply some Biblical, critical thinking to the situation. It’s just so much easier not to have to think about it at all. Anyway, I’m too busy working on my new seeker-sensitive sermon entitled ‘Just Because You’re a Crazed, Murderous, Anti-Christ, Moslem Fanatic Doesn’t Mean You Can’t Serve on Our Board of Deacons’. Our congregation likes to think of itself as inclusive and open to diverse theological perspectives. Say, who are the Yankees playing this afternoon?”
RNC head and retired Pennsylvania Senator Arlan Spector (who spearheaded the successful drive to remove all pro-life language from the GOP’s platform in 2010, after gaining both re-election and influence within the party as a result of strong campaign support from then President G. W. Bush in 2004) was dismissive of the threat posed by the potential defection of conservatives from the ranks of the GOP. “Who else are they going to vote for? Those right-wing religious fanatics in the Constitution Party? Give me a break!”
There is little love lost between the Republicans and Constitution Party (CP), since many mainstream Republicans blame their 2008 defeat to President Hillary Clinton on the nascent upstart conservative party’s garnering of a mere 3.5% of the popular vote.
This time around, however, many analysts and pollsters are predicting that the CP’s presidential nominee Michael Peroutka may pose more than just a token threat: a recent Zogby poll showed a full 23.7% of likely voters supporting Peroutka. If Green Party candidate Dennis Kucinich continues to hold on to his current level of 18-20% (presumably, with most of those votes being siphoned from President Clinton’s base) Peroutka will be well within striking distance of a 25-27% winning plurality.
Additionally, it appears that the CP is gaining from large numbers of blue-collar union workers defecting from the Democrats as a result of that party’s support of NAFTA and President Clinton’s “Border Diversity” executive order (which essentially abolished the Immigration and Naturalization Service, as well as the nation’s borders) allowing literally unlimited numbers of immigrants into the U.S.
Dissatisfaction with the two major parties has been growing for the last decade as voters have become disillusioned with both groups, holding them responsible for the present $64 trillion budget deficit, hyperinflation, immigration problems and massive social and moral breakdown.
June 28, 2004
Kent Berdahl is a graduate of the University of Minnesota (B. A. Political Science with concentration on fascist and Marxist movements of Eastern Europe). He also studied at the University of Budapest, Hungary and Trinity Bible College. He is presently V. P. of Sales for BigBandwidth and enjoys history, flying, and collecting and shooting large caliber weapons. He is a life-long bachelor, but is willing to entertain offers from heiresses with sufficiently large trust funds and/or arsenals. He may be reached for comment at firstname.lastname@example.org.